(no subject)

I've lost mostly everything I built up over the last couple years.

I've lost my health, I've lost my mind, I've lost my sleep, and most of all I've lost my self respect.

Its not that I want any of it back, its not that I am apologizing, its not that I am looking for attention. I just want to grow and feel like it matters.

I walked around my neighborhood in the rain for a long time. The whole time I felt drained and tired. I started wishing the lighting in the distance would come closer and blind me with that brilliant light. I walked in the middle of the road hoping a car would stop and ask if I was okay. I want someone to care more than I care for myself.

Its all a mess, everything is a mess. Its all gone. Finished.

I can still fix what is broken but I can't seem to get the energy to work on it.

I succeeded to fail.

I failed to succeed.

(no subject)

Tony is doing a Brawl tournment on 5/9 saturday.

Its 12$ to enter and prizes go to first second and third.

Pop and pizza provided.

Its for Theresas luekimea and lymphoma fund.

Whos down?

(no subject)

You know what, I really don't like being mocked. I might as well keep my journals private some times.

I understand what you guys are doing. But this time its not helping.

I'm going to just be a little scarce for a while.

Too much for me.

    When I saw my reflection in those blue and green eyes I couldn't help but think how much of a fool I actually am. I don't claim to understand love or passion but I can experience it just the same. I don't know what happened to my soul tonight but I felt it relax and pain at the same time. How can I even fathom how long it has been. Many nights proud I sat in this very chair trying to forget. I see now how welcoming a familiar smile is.
    Oh how idiotic I was to think that I could stray from it. I couldn't explain the unbearable truth that has come over me. I drink from a poisonous well but attempt to show affection to someone I could never dream of hurting. I am truly sorry for the way I am. I feel like a child toying with peoples emotions. But no, I must choose.
    Unconditional or a new adventure. My heart sways between the waves of regret and pity. Pity on myself. What a horrid situation I have put myself in. My heart with one, my friendship with another. I hate to break either. I hate the biochemistry within.
     I acted on impulse and felt obligated to stride forward. I did so at the cost of a sweet heart. I do not wish to make her seem unimportant or that I only used. What I feel is still strong. But I cannot turn away from someone who cares so deeply for me, even if the wine is poisoned.
    I do not know why I type so subtlety. I guess I fear that if I use frank words I will feel like I am just an asshole with a keyboard.

Can you at least say you're still my friends?