| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2008|11:36 pm] |
I've lost mostly everything I built up over the last couple years.
I've lost my health, I've lost my mind, I've lost my sleep, and most of all I've lost my self respect.
Its not that I want any of it back, its not that I am apologizing, its not that I am looking for attention. I just want to grow and feel like it matters.
I walked around my neighborhood in the rain for a long time. The whole time I felt drained and tired. I started wishing the lighting in the distance would come closer and blind me with that brilliant light. I walked in the middle of the road hoping a car would stop and ask if I was okay. I want someone to care more than I care for myself.
Its all a mess, everything is a mess. Its all gone. Finished.
I can still fix what is broken but I can't seem to get the energy to work on it.
I succeeded to fail.
I failed to succeed. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|10:18 pm] |
Tony is doing a Brawl tournment on 5/9 saturday.
Its 12$ to enter and prizes go to first second and third.
Pop and pizza provided.
Its for Theresas luekimea and lymphoma fund.
Whos down? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2008|05:00 pm] |
|
Everyone just talk to me tomorrow. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|08:09 pm] |
You know what, I really don't like being mocked. I might as well keep my journals private some times.
I understand what you guys are doing. But this time its not helping.
I'm going to just be a little scarce for a while. |
|
|
| Too much for me. |
[Jan. 27th, 2008|09:11 pm] |
When I saw my reflection in those blue and green eyes I couldn't help but think how much of a fool I actually am. I don't claim to understand love or passion but I can experience it just the same. I don't know what happened to my soul tonight but I felt it relax and pain at the same time. How can I even fathom how long it has been. Many nights proud I sat in this very chair trying to forget. I see now how welcoming a familiar smile is.
Oh how idiotic I was to think that I could stray from it. I couldn't explain the unbearable truth that has come over me. I drink from a poisonous well but attempt to show affection to someone I could never dream of hurting. I am truly sorry for the way I am. I feel like a child toying with peoples emotions. But no, I must choose.
Unconditional or a new adventure. My heart sways between the waves of regret and pity. Pity on myself. What a horrid situation I have put myself in. My heart with one, my friendship with another. I hate to break either. I hate the biochemistry within.
I acted on impulse and felt obligated to stride forward. I did so at the cost of a sweet heart. I do not wish to make her seem unimportant or that I only used. What I feel is still strong. But I cannot turn away from someone who cares so deeply for me, even if the wine is poisoned.
I do not know why I type so subtlety. I guess I fear that if I use frank words I will feel like I am just an asshole with a keyboard.
Can you at least say you're still my friends? |
|
|
| If I had to put it in words this is how it would go. |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|05:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
I know we were mixed up kids, I was irresponsible and awkward. Sometimes I was quite hermit like. Then I met this girl Alice, she was everything I have ever fantasied about. But even more than that I feel like she understood me. That I was a confused kid that got too heavy into pot and believed too much in believing. Nothing felt real to me back then except her. She would stay on aim with me late into the night and talk to me about everything. She showed me that I wasn't some shut in that was afraid of the world but someone who didn't understand it. In some ways I still don't. She called out of the blue today, I don't know about what. She is still very mysterious in nature. Seemed like she always has, but it got me wondering, what if. The most horrible question of all. But a valid one. What if I was more forward? What if I didn't do drugs? What if I was someone else?
More importantly, What if I still love her?
The answer is I do. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2007|02:20 pm] |
I changed my username!
Yeah its UnderageChan now.
Get used to it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2007|12:01 pm] |
|
Wow, Pg 290. I hope to finish by friday. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|12:50 pm] |
I GOT MY FIRST Hole In One today!!!
On hole 2 of Ice Cannon!
WHOOOOOOOOOOO |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|07:41 pm] |
I'm smitten.
Feels nice, and I'm looking forward to school tommarow. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|03:20 am] |
>.>
BC launches in a week.
My dad grounded me from my compu again for some unknown reason.
My grades are picking up so LET ME PLAY WOW
Im never gonna ding 70 |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|05:18 pm] |
Well its been a while sence I really posted anything of value.
Lately I have working alot and doing school work. Leaving little time for the computer. I've been feeling alright, just exausted.
Hmm. I'm hanging out with Bryant and company tommarow so I'm looking forward to that.
Now I just want to relax for a weekend and shoot away my worries.
Ahhh, headshots. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|